Varient & News Magazine & News Aggregator Varient & News Magazine & News Aggregator en Copyright 2023 News Now UK & All Rights Reserved. 'A big loss to Loftus': Charity that's helped thousands of people announces closure after 12 years Mon, 06 Feb 2023 07:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator ASSIST: Just Networking in Redcar & Cleveland Sun, 05 Feb 2023 16:00:04 +0000 News Aggregator Tributes to loved mam, 48, a 'true friend' and gran&of&34 in The Gazette death and funeral notices Sun, 05 Feb 2023 07:00:05 +0000 News Aggregator Man not actually planning to worry Sat, 04 Feb 2023 19:00:07 +0000 News Aggregator Bono Ready to Save America from Trump, or Ukraine from Putin Sat, 04 Feb 2023 19:00:05 +0000 News Aggregator Deliveries by handcart and wartime air raids: Huge UK gas firm celebrates 100 years on Teesside Sat, 04 Feb 2023 17:00:07 +0000 News Aggregator Throwback pics of clubbers at Saltburn nightclub Philmores in the 70s and 80s Fri, 03 Feb 2023 19:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator The 15 popular Teesside pubs which could be sold as owners look to clear £2.6bn debts Fri, 03 Feb 2023 19:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator Middle Aged couple are excited about another new series of Vera Fri, 03 Feb 2023 17:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator Teenager buys all of the Valentine's cards Fri, 03 Feb 2023 13:00:07 +0000 News Aggregator Recently sacked multi&millionaire wonders what they will do next Fri, 03 Feb 2023 13:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator Sick Twisted Man Reads A Book In PUBLIC! Fri, 03 Feb 2023 13:00:05 +0000 News Aggregator Everything you need to know about taking time off for childcare during teachers strikes Fri, 03 Feb 2023 11:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator Vinland A Viking storytelling adventure for ages 8 and up by Jack Dean & Company

Set sail with Freydis and her son Snorri on a Viking adventure brought to life through storytelling, animation and live music. Join her crew of explorers as they find out they’re not alone in this strange new land and come face to face with ghosts, monsters and wild gooseberries. Follow Snorri as he confronts an ancient spirit set on revenge and learns the truth about himself.

Vinland retells the incredible true(ish) tale of the Vikings last journey to North America, taking inspiration from the Viking sagas of Erik the Red and his family. Using lyrical storytelling, animation and live music, the show brings the audience into a world where myth and history collide.

Doors open 1.30pm, show starts 2pm

The post Vinland appeared first on Enjoy.

Thu, 02 Feb 2023 23:27:01 +0000 News Aggregator
The Angelettes – Motown

Kirkleatham Walled Garden presents The Angelettes in a tribute to Motown.

Includes live entertainment, disco, welcome drinks and hot & cold buffet.

The post The Angelettes – Motown appeared first on Enjoy.

Thu, 02 Feb 2023 23:27:00 +0000 News Aggregator
Bad Dad

Written by one of the UK’s most popular children’s authors David Walliams, “Bad Dad” follows Frank and his father Gilbert as they struggle to escape the clutches of the local crime lord and clear Gilbert’s name.

Frank’s dad, Gilbert, wasn’t always considered a criminal. In fact, to Frank and the locals he was no other than the legendary ‘king of the track’, Gilbert the Great. That is, until a tragic accident puts a stop to his track-racing days. Feeling like he has gone ‘from hero to zero’, Frank’s father becomes tempted by the dark allure of life as a get-away driver.

This warm-hearted tale follows the highs and lows of a father and son relationship as they navigate their way through a world of crime, car chases and convicts!

Gates open at 5:30pm and the performance begins at 6:30pm.

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Thu, 02 Feb 2023 23:26:59 +0000 News Aggregator
Robin Hood Award-winning outdoor theatre company, Illyria, bring their fabulous production of Howard Pyle’s Robin Hood to Gisborough Priory on August 8th.

With good King Richard away at war, the rich and powerful will lie, cheat, and break every rule to seize power. And they’re ready to play dirty! Luckily, so is the swashbuckling Robin Hood and his team of misfit rebels. Together, they plot to bring down the corrupt Sheriff of Nottingham, the scheming Prince John, and every single greedy villain they meet along the way.

It’s a fast-paced heist for all ages – and Robin Hood never misses a target! This action-packed production delivers huge laughs, daring adventures, and well-deserved revenge! Pack a picnic as Illyria swoops in with another unforgettable season of outdoor theatre.

Gates open at 2:00pm with the performance beginning at 3:00pm.

Performance approximately 1 hour 50 minutes (inc 20 minute interval).

Age recommendation: 5+ (younger children also welcome)

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Thu, 02 Feb 2023 23:26:58 +0000 News Aggregator
Twelfth Night Illyria is back! This summer, let the award-winning company whisk you away to a mysterious coastal kingdom as they present Twelfth Night. However, under the idyllic tropical sky, everything is not as it seems.

Watch as a tale of romance, revenge, and mistaken identities unfolds with hilarious consequences! Pack a picnic and fall in love with another unforgettable season of outdoor theatre. With singing, sword fights and silliness, you couldn’t wish for more than this.

Run time: 2 hours 20 minutes (inc 20 minute interval)

Gates open at 5:30pm and the performance begins at 6:30pm.

Age recommendation: 8+

The post Twelfth Night appeared first on Enjoy.

Thu, 02 Feb 2023 23:26:57 +0000 News Aggregator
Scotland Yard Finds Traces of Cocaine In Queen Elizabeth's Underwear Drawer Thu, 02 Feb 2023 19:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator Truss Offered A Green Goo Time Machine Wed, 01 Feb 2023 16:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator Benny Hill Boris Embraces his Inner Fiction Wed, 01 Feb 2023 16:00:05 +0000 News Aggregator Drawings show how new sculptures planned for two Teesside roundabouts will look Wed, 01 Feb 2023 08:00:07 +0000 News Aggregator Top Secret Classified US Documents Found In The Spoof Office Tue, 31 Jan 2023 19:00:07 +0000 News Aggregator The Cruel Republican Senators Want To Scrap Social Security Tue, 31 Jan 2023 19:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator List of four streets targeted by '2&in&1' burglars as vehicles stolen overnight Tue, 31 Jan 2023 18:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator Care provider requires improvement over incomplete records and inappropriate staff levels Tue, 31 Jan 2023 16:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator The Further Adventures of Harry's Todger Tue, 31 Jan 2023 16:00:05 +0000 News Aggregator Dead birds and weapons seized as three men questioned over alleged poaching incident Tue, 31 Jan 2023 14:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator Drugs, swords and arrests: What was found during crime crackdown on Teesside Tue, 31 Jan 2023 10:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator Cash strapped council reveals plans for two new artworks & and one is already attracting criticism Tue, 31 Jan 2023 08:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator Harry Got The Smaller Bedroom In THE CASTLE: Boo&Hoo Mon, 30 Jan 2023 19:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator British Wine Better than French Wine & The French are Furious Mon, 30 Jan 2023 19:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator Woman who always bring cake into the office now defined as the office sociopath Mon, 30 Jan 2023 19:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator New phase of dredging begins at Teesworks with material to be deposited out at sea Mon, 30 Jan 2023 16:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator List of Teesside schools confirming closures to pupils ahead of teachers' strike action Mon, 30 Jan 2023 14:00:07 +0000 News Aggregator Tributes paid to 'loved' 14&year&old and 'treasured' nana in The Gazette death and funeral notices Sun, 29 Jan 2023 08:00:07 +0000 News Aggregator Suelle’s A Strong (Man, baby!) for Not Apologizing Sat, 28 Jan 2023 19:00:05 +0000 News Aggregator Teesside in the swinging sixties showcased in 57 rediscovered photos Fri, 27 Jan 2023 18:00:07 +0000 News Aggregator The Wampyr Comes to the Party Fri, 27 Jan 2023 16:00:05 +0000 News Aggregator Jamie opens renewables centre in iconic Redcar building & with eco coffee shop run off solar panels Thu, 26 Jan 2023 20:00:07 +0000 News Aggregator Teesside schoolboy who 'eats, sleeps and breathes taekwondo' set for European Championships in Italy Thu, 26 Jan 2023 18:00:08 +0000 News Aggregator Look back at teachers from across Redcar and Cleveland in 47 photos Wed, 25 Jan 2023 20:00:07 +0000 News Aggregator Doubts over future of £3m Tees Flex bus service as pilot scheme set to end next month Wed, 25 Jan 2023 18:00:07 +0000 News Aggregator Well&known seafront hotel goes on market for first time in 20 years Wed, 25 Jan 2023 08:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator All Members of Parliament Have Private Doctors so Don't Care about Public Health Tue, 24 Jan 2023 19:00:07 +0000 News Aggregator Man had a cold last week Tue, 24 Jan 2023 19:00:07 +0000 News Aggregator Northern Pub proud to be selling Pepsi Tue, 24 Jan 2023 19:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator Number of properties evacuated after car crashed into home and ruptured gas pipe Tue, 24 Jan 2023 18:00:07 +0000 News Aggregator Inside The Park Hotel: seafront venue has gone up for sale for first time in 20 years Tue, 24 Jan 2023 16:00:08 +0000 News Aggregator Prince Harry Potter was made to live under the staircase after his mother died, was frequently beaten by his father and older brother, and managed to defeat evil forces using his mastery of chess, but they wouldn’t let him keep an owl Tue, 24 Jan 2023 16:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator Harry’s Killin’ & Thrillin’ Tue, 24 Jan 2023 16:00:05 +0000 News Aggregator Largest 'urban quarry' of its kind in UK appears on Teesside skyline Tue, 24 Jan 2023 14:00:07 +0000 News Aggregator A Taste of Redcar and Cleveland: Full list of restaurants, pubs and cafes taking part in foodie event Tue, 24 Jan 2023 14:00:07 +0000 News Aggregator Summer Sound back in Guisborough for 2023 with something new: Tickets, dates and line up Tue, 24 Jan 2023 12:00:07 +0000 News Aggregator £3m scheme to brighten streets facing the axe as council feels the squeeze Tue, 24 Jan 2023 08:00:07 +0000 News Aggregator Michael Madeup's New Year Message Mon, 23 Jan 2023 13:00:08 +0000 News Aggregator Amazing snapshots inside Teesside youth clubs of the 70s, 80s and 90s Sun, 22 Jan 2023 18:00:07 +0000 News Aggregator From £61k a year festival director to a part&time lollypop person among council jobs up for grabs Sun, 22 Jan 2023 18:00:07 +0000 News Aggregator Vladimir Putin Fell Out Of A Window Sun, 22 Jan 2023 16:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator Man in his forties remembers when Sunday nights used to be all about Last of the Summer Wine Sun, 22 Jan 2023 16:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator Did Queen Elizabeth II Ever Say The F Word? Sun, 22 Jan 2023 16:00:05 +0000 News Aggregator Man who watched the Mrs Brown's Boys Christmas special will not sleep for another three months Sun, 22 Jan 2023 13:00:06 +0000 News Aggregator Affordable land and low construction costs put Teesside area in top ten places to build own home Sun, 22 Jan 2023 08:00:07 +0000 News Aggregator 50 photos showing Teesside 50 years ago in 1973 Sat, 21 Jan 2023 18:00:07 +0000 News Aggregator Volkspower 2023 Sat, 21 Jan 2023 12:51:17 +0000 News Aggregator The B&Sides @ The Livery, Redcar Sat, 21 Jan 2023 12:51:17 +0000 News Aggregator Grand Opening Event Sat, 21 Jan 2023 12:51:16 +0000 News Aggregator I sing of my Comrades: remembering Stockton’s international Brigaders Sat, 21 Jan 2023 12:51:16 +0000 News Aggregator Redcar & Cleveland College The Big Open Event & Tuesday 7th Feb 5pm & 7pm Sat, 21 Jan 2023 12:51:16 +0000 News Aggregator George Michael Tribute Sat, 21 Jan 2023 12:51:16 +0000 News Aggregator Mass sea creature deaths: Panel rules new disease may have caused die&offs on Teesside's beaches Sat, 21 Jan 2023 12:37:51 +0000 News Aggregator 'I can only apologise': Drink&driving dad crashed BMW through barriers after losing control of car Sat, 21 Jan 2023 12:37:51 +0000 News Aggregator 'I've been at rock bottom and now I want to help thousands change their lives' Sat, 21 Jan 2023 12:37:51 +0000 News Aggregator Met Office issues fresh weather warning as snow and sleet hit Teesside Sat, 21 Jan 2023 12:37:51 +0000 News Aggregator Teesside primary school praised for its family atmosphere and high expectations Sat, 21 Jan 2023 12:37:51 +0000 News Aggregator All of the changes coming to Universal Credit and benefits in 2023 & and how they effect you Sat, 21 Jan 2023 12:37:51 +0000 News Aggregator Guardian reading music fan has not heard of any of the artists in their 50 best of list Sat, 21 Jan 2023 12:37:50 +0000 News Aggregator Is Donald Trump Junior The Real Welfare Queen? Sat, 21 Jan 2023 12:37:49 +0000 News Aggregator Britains High Court & O.K. to Send Migrants to Rwanda & Spokesman Says & a 'Tropical Paradise' Sat, 21 Jan 2023 12:37:49 +0000 News Aggregator Boots, Apple and M&S among list of high street retailers that will pay you to recycle your old and empty products Sun, 15 Jan 2023 17:17:11 +0000 News Aggregator Met Office issues ice warning for Teesside with wintry showers and plummeting temperatures forecast Sun, 15 Jan 2023 17:17:11 +0000 News Aggregator Touching tribute to couple who died within days of each other among Gazette death and funeral notices Sun, 15 Jan 2023 17:17:11 +0000 News Aggregator 66 Teesside pubs, takeaways, bars and restaurants you have to try in 2023 Sun, 15 Jan 2023 17:17:11 +0000 News Aggregator Teesside's most deprived areas from most to least revealed on interactive map Sun, 15 Jan 2023 17:17:11 +0000 News Aggregator Tell us what you think of Redcar and Cleveland's U&turn on controversial parking charges Sun, 15 Jan 2023 17:17:11 +0000 News Aggregator Man dusting down his bagpipes Sun, 15 Jan 2023 17:01:37 +0000 News Aggregator Stop Comparing me to Richard Madeley, says Alan Partridge Sun, 15 Jan 2023 17:01:37 +0000 News Aggregator Terry's Chocolate Orange still on the shelf Sun, 15 Jan 2023 17:01:37 +0000 News Aggregator Is it ever okay for a Police Officer to be a bit racist?

Before we begin, let us easily clarify the title by saying, NO. It’s NEVER acceptable for a Police Officer to be racist, use racist language or act in a racist way. Despite this incredible ruling, which, in our humble opinion, is wrong.

As we said on Twitter, in a week where a Detective Constable in Gwent Police was dismissed for farting on duty, swearing and generally being a bit of a dickhead – this young lady now finds herself reinstated and presented with a bit of a financial windfall – in a decision that is surely going to fly around the world on Social Media.

PC Katie Barratt has won back her job and £15,000 in back-pay after a panel ruled her dismissal was “unreasonable” – CREDIT: NCJMEDIA

A Police Constable who was sacked by her Force for racially abusing takeaway staff has been reinstated by an independent panel after they agreed that her remarks “were not the worst kind of racism”.

PC Katie Barratt was dismissed after directing racist abuse at staff in the Spice of Punjab takeaway, following a Northumbria Police Christmas party in 2017. However, an independent panel ruled that her dismissal was “unreasonable” in a ruling on Monday.

Not only does this mean that PC Barratt can resume full duties – but it also means that the Force will be required to back-date her pay – which is estimated at around £15,000.

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At the time of the incident, PC Barratt was drunk and was waiting in line in the Spice of Punjab when she said, in front of colleagues “I wish these f*****g p***s would hurry up with my pizza”.

It was also alleged that she had called them “n*****s” – something that PC Barratt has never denied.

However, her barrister, Guy Ladenburg told the panel that she comes from a “police family” and that she had led a promising career prior to the 2017 incident.

The panel heard that staff had been buying PC Barratt drinks “all night” at the 2017 party – but that she has since addressed her alcohol consumption.

“She’s not touched a drop of drink after this incident,” Mr Landenburg said.

He then went on to add that she felt that she shouldn’t have been sacked “because it is not the worst kind of racism”.

He claimed that this incident was entirely a one-off outburst – for which she should be given a second chance – rather than the “nuclear option” of sacking her.

Credit: Chronicle Live

Both PC Barratt and her mother cried as she received the news that she would be given the all-clear to resume her career in the Force.

Northumbria Police had fought to block her return, stating that her racist slurs “could seriously damage” the Force’s reputation.

Their own barrister, Steven Reid, said “Sadly it confirms a stereotype that is unfortunately held in some communities about the police”.

…she felt that she shouldn’t have been sacked “because it is not the worst kind of racism” – Guy Ladenburg, Barrister for PC Barratt

Undoubtedly, may questions will now be asked: Can PC Barrett work with the Asian community? Can she ever arrest anyone for using racist language? What ramifications would that have for any subsequent court case? Has she set a precedent?

The panel were told that PC Barratt would certainly find things difficult as her photograph has now been widely published across national media. Even her own barrister admitted that the slurs she used were an “abomination”.

Mr Reid went on to state that the Force feels that no racism from their Officers – whether on or off duty – is ever acceptable. He said “The appellant didn’t go out that night to deliberately racially abuse members of the public… but the fact remains she did. She knew she was being racist. Her prejudice on that evening leaked out.”

Despite all of this, the three-person panel downgraded her punishment to a Final Warning after two hours of deliberations. The panel’s Chairman Dorian Lovell-Park said it “roundly condemned” her comments – but then wished her luck with resuming her career anyway.

Detective Superintendent Sav Patsalos, Head of Northumbria Police’s Professional Standards Department, said: “We acknowledge the decision of the independent panel and will now take some time to review its findings. It is important to recognise that the decision to dismiss Pc Barratt was taken by an independent panel and it was within the officer’s rights to appeal this decision. A second independent panel has today overturned the decision to dismiss the officer but they agreed the language she used was unacceptable and agreed with the finding of gross misconduct.”

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Sun, 15 Jan 2023 16:57:30 +0000 News Aggregator
Enforcers v London Heat videos on Facebook

See the footage of our sponsored team South Wales Police “Enforcers” who took on London Heat at the Viola Arena yesterday in Cardiff. and scroll down!

Also, you can see our full range of “Enforcers” merchandise by clicking here!

Sun, 15 Jan 2023 16:57:29 +0000 News Aggregator
A Day in the Life of a Response Officer

Written by a fan (anonymously) in the early hours one morning for his wife – as the best way for him to explain to her why his mood was so dark and unreasonable…

Read on and see if the same could be true of any Response Officer anywhere…?


So… you wake up – full of hope – wondering what treats and surprises lay in store for you in work today?

Make your way to work with no stress and minimal traffic congestion. Arrive at work and remember that it’s a damn week day so you have to drive slowly around the car park for five minutes looking for a space – trying to figure out who all these cars belong to, before eventually losing your temper and abandoning the car and blocking in at least three other vehicles.

Walk into work and pick up a battery as you make your way to the locker room. Open the locker to the stale smell of sweat from your body armour and wish you had sprayed it with Febreeze before going off duty yesterday. Put your body armour on. Put your belt or utility vest on. Put the battery in your radio. Get frustrated as you’ve now been ordered to press and hold a button to book on; but, as usual – it doesn’t work – and your radio keeps beeping and vibrating so you end up having to contact the control room anyway because the radio simply won’t book you on when you actually do what you’re told.

Shut your locker and head down to the briefing room. Log onto the computer and realise that you can’t remember your password. Get annoyed with yourself. Stop and think about it and then remember that it finishes with an eight and not a seven as you changed it last week. You have a quick check of your emails and trawl through countless messages that have no relevance to you or your job role whatsoever. You read several messages telling you that systems you’ve never heard of were offline for an hour three days previously and your finger starts to ache from repeatedly hitting the delete button.

Finally you get to one that’s actually meant for you. It’s an email notifying you of cancelled rest days to backfill for PSU. Brilliant. It’s on a Saturday. Even more brilliant. To top it off, you’ve already promised the wife that you will both go to her parents’ house that weekend. Nevermind. Worry later about the inevitable row when you tell her. Pause for a moment and wonder if people realise or care that you’ll be working on your day off and you won’t be getting paid. Quickly move on.

Your finger keeps hammering delete. Finally you find another email sent to you. It’s a Court Warning for a PCMH in Crown Court on your second rest day. The day you had planned to spend with your kids. Quickly look away from the computer for a few seconds to stop yourself punching the screen and feel your heart pounding in your chest under the body armour.

Start briefing and try and catch up with the intelligence from the last couple of days. Find lots of useless information that you knew already. Then, in BOLD CAPS, a sh*tty message from someone in the Ivory Towers complaining that the quality of files submitted by Officers in the last hour of their Tour of Duty – when they’ve already completed three hand-on files and dealt with several calls – is not of the required standard. Except they didn’t actually account for any of that…

Next slide, people are being identified as targets in whatever terminology the latest portfolio-busting project is. Whether it’s top trumps or card suits or traffic lights – bosses are fawning over it and people are being named and shamed for forgetting to do things. Sit there sweating because you are sure you forgot to tell Mrs Jones who had her plant pot stolen that you would ring her every week for the rest of her life. Get away with it. Make a mental note to ring her later and every week for the rest of her life.

You then listen to the long list of stuff that’s been handed on by the previous shift because “it’s been bonkers.” To top it off there is a list of three people who “they upstairs” want arrested because they are Sector Targets. Oh, and of course, there are two Mispers outstanding.

Leave briefing and head to the writing room and check your workload. You have about six jobs all in the inbox with big red overdue markers next to them. You explain to your Sergeant that you urgently need to try and get round to that theft because it’s been on your workload for a week and it’s becoming a problem getting hold of the victim. You check the assault you dealt with to see if the email you sent asking for a statement to be taken has been done… and then resist the urge to scream when you see that nobody has even looked at it.

Time to turn off the computer, grab some keys and get out of the station.

Get in your battered Ford Focus and wonder how someone has managed to pick a hole in the steering wheel. Try and turn the in-car radio on to listen in to a neighbouring channel but it doesn’t work. Clunk and grind the gears until you get it in first. Go to put your water bottle in the door and wince and grimace when your hand touches whatever sticky cr*p has been left in the door pocket to fester for several days.

Drive around aimlessly for about ten minutes just trying to calm down.

You then make your way to that theft from your workload, but, as you are pulling into the street, an I-Grade (immediate) response comes out and you know everyone else is in the station or committed at other calls. You answer the call which is a possible intruder alarm in the town centre.

Make your way to the scene trying not to get upset with other motorists and praying to God you don’t hit something or that something hits you. Get to the call and find that all is in order and the building is secure. Speak to the key-holder and the reporting person to offer them a bit of reassurance and then head back to the car.

As you get to the car an elderly male approaches and says; “Can I just ask your opinion on something?” and then tells you a tale of some youths who’ve been playing football near his house.

Really, honestly try to look interested while wondering what he would have done about it if he hadn’t bumped in to you. Explain that his problem is very important and that when you return to the nick you will speak to the neighbourhood team and ask them to increase patrols in his street.

You get back in the car and within five minutes of worrying about your workload, your stress and the inevitable row with your wife later – you sadly forget you ever met him.

Start making your way back to the theft on your workload. Get to the call and start taking details from the victim – having apologised for the week-long delay in contacting them. The control room decide to interrupt you looking for an update on the alarm. You inform them that all is in order at which they automatically begin passing you details of the next outstanding call. Explain that you are already taking details from a victim to be told that the call is nearly an hour old. Tell the control room you will get back to them as soon as you are clear.

Quickly take the details from the victim, scan the week-old scene for any clues or evidence. Collect the CCTV and hand over the latest Officer Contact Details Card. Squirm on the spot as the victim laughs at the idea that he’s the most important thing to us when he reports a crime. Apologise again for the delay in reaching him.

Leave the theft and tell the control room you’re available. They pass details of the outstanding call which is to do with a dispute between two neighbours who are constantly arguing. Control give you another subtle reminder about the call being over an hour old.

store link

Arrive at the call and completely forget who called in and what they were complaining about. Decide to just go in and find out first hand. Go to the house on the right and find yourself berated for something the previous officer promised to do but didn’t. Try and keep cool whilst you explain that you are there about what has happened today.

She explains that she has recorded her neighbour on her phone and that the footage clearly shows the neighbour being anti-social – swearing and slagging her off. Squint a lot whilst looking into the phone and try to listen to the terrible audio marred by a nearby lawnmower. Listen and watch footage of a couple of kids playing in a garden and a woman reading a magazine before the clip ends. Pause for a second in utter disbelief that someone has reported this to an Emergency Service and pray that this is all a wind up and that someone with a camera will come around the corner at any minute.

Feel your blood turn cold as it dawns on you that this is actually genuine and this person expects you to solve all of their problems. Explain to the woman that there is absolutely nothing of evidential value on the phone and that the fact that she has covertly filmed some children on her phone is straying towards her committing offences herself. Then she wants your name and number and writes it all down explaining that she’s not happy and she will be speaking to someone about this.

You know she means that she’s putting in a complaint about your attitude. So, you leave the house and head next door where a very similar – in fact, almost identical account – is given. You stand in the living room, rubbing your temples and praying that your anti-anxiety tablets will keep you from screaming blue murder at every living thing in the room. Explain that they should consider putting up CCTV cameras and tell them that you will inform the neighbourhood team and leave, cursing the air they breathe as you go.

Drive in the direction of another week-old job from your workload to be informed that you’re required to check five addresses for one of the outstanding Mispers. Visit five of the most grotty houses on the patch and speak to a number of people in their pyjamas at midday – who speak to you with disgust – having pulled them away from watching Jeremy Kyle. Wonder to yourself if they will change into their clothes and consider actually leaving the house in something other than a onesie.

This pattern of calls that are nothing to do with the Police continues all day, until…

A call of a violent shoplifter comes in from a local supermarket. You rush to the scene and speak with the staff who explain that the suspect has tried to steal a sixty pence bar of chocolate. Go through to the security room and sight an extremely calm and compliant – yet well-known face, who you’ve nicked before so the whole idea of a Fixed Penalty Ticket goes straight out of the window.

Decide it’s easier in the long run to just nick the person. Caution them, cuff them and lead them to your car. Drive to Custody, nervously looking back at the prisoner, hoping they don’t try kicking you or pulling the handbrake because there’s no-one else available to go with you. Get to the custody suite and there is the inevitable queue of people waiting to go in. Stand near the car with the prisoner who did think you were ‘sound’ but now thinks you’re “a prick” for not letting him have a fag and that “the ‘sound’ Copper” let him have one last time.

After about half an hour, you look through the door to see what’s happening in custody and you spot the Custody Sergeant sat back in his chair talking to the G4S Detention Officer – sharing a good laugh whilst eating something from a bowl.

The Sergeant spots you and gives you a five minutes gesture. Quick-time it back to the prisoner and pray that they are still in the car. Thankfully they are. Listen to another ten minutes of how it’s not their fault and that they’re trying to get help but nobody will help them.

G4S Detention Officer says you can come in. You stand at the desk and tell the Sergeant the incident number. He b*ll*cks you for not phoning the call centre whilst waiting outside to link the correct details because it would have the his life a whole lot easier and he wouldn’t have had to click his mouse five times and type in twelve letters.

You search the prisoner again – rather than have someone else double check your search – because there are only two G4S Detention Officers on and they are both females. You justify the necessity for the arrest and feel like you’re pleading with the Sergeant to please take your prisoner as he’s making it sound like you’re the criminal. Finally get detention authorised but you’re then required to stand around for twenty minutes to listen to the prisoners life story and medical history – none of which now have any bearing on you.

Head down the hallway to the Investigation Support Team to see if anyone can assist. Explain the circumstances in full to a probationer who is on attachment in the office. He tells you that you need to obtain a victim statement, write your arrest statement, obtain the CCTV, book it into the property store, book it back OUT of the property store, complete a full file for the hand on package – and THEN, someone will assist. Recall that the theft was valued at sixty pence. Quietly despair.

Head all the way BACK to the shop and obtain the statement and the CCTV . Head back to the station. Write your statement. Book in the CCTV. Book out the CCTV. Prepare the hand on package. Take the package upstairs and speak to the same probationer who asks “So, is he ‘aving it?” You explain that you have absolutely no idea as you didn’t breach PACE. They then inform you that there’s now no-one available to deal with it as they’re all tied up with CPS advice and ‘stuff,’ so could you throw a quick interview into them? You look at your watch and see that you’re due off in forty five minutes.

You head down to custody to conduct the interview and you’re told they’ve changed their mind and are now having a Solicitor. The Solicitor will be about ten minutes so you head back to the writing room to try and update the calls that you’ve been to today. You update the Misper first and submit a referral to Social Services as you know your life won’t be worth living if you forget it. You update the neighbour dispute knowing full well that you will be in the Inspectors Office answering questions about it in the near future so you word it very carefully.

Your radio goes and the Solicitor has arrived. You lock your computer and head through to disclosure with the solicitor. This takes five minutes. Then the Solicitor briefs the prisoner which takes twenty minutes. Conduct the interview – full and frank admission. Explain this to the Sergeant who tells you to enter the charges and to come back when they’ve been processed to charge them and get rid of them.

Quickly pop upstairs for a wee and stare in the mirror at the red lines in your once white eyes. Take notice of just how grey you seem to have gone in the last couple of months. Feel sick when you suddenly have a flash of just how overdrawn your bank account is and that your dogs need worming and de-fleaing.

Head back down to Custody to charge the prisoner and you find that they are just booking someone else in. Wait patiently. Then you’re told that they’re just going to book one more in ahead of yours.

Stand there waiting, and look at your boots, remembering how you used to proudly polish them every set of rest days, but then ponder how long it actually is since they last saw a hint of polish.

Excellent. Made it to the front of the queue. You charge the prisoner and they are released. The Sergeant, however, would like them dropped home in case they trip and fall in front of a car or in case they catch a bee sting and die of anaphylactic shock on the way home.

Aware that you’re still single-crewed, you approach someone from the next shift and ask if they can take the prisoner home. They look at you with utter disdain but they haven’t really got a choice.

Before heading back you quickly call and update the shop that he’s been charged with theft of sixty pence worth of chocolate. Get back to the computer and someone has logged you out. Nevermind.

You’re only an hour past your finishing time as you hang up your body armour and utility vest. You grab your keys and head out to the car. Half way home when you remember that you didn’t update the log about the theft call. Guess it’ll have to wait until tomorrow.

Arrive home in a terrible mood and sulk most of the night. Snap at the wife a few times when she asks what’s wrong and consume more alcohol than you know is good for you on a school night.

Next day. Do it all again.

This time is slightly different though. The Inspector comes into the writing room after briefing and asks if he can have a word? Head through to his office where he closes the door and invites you to sit down. You’re already planning your response about that neighbour dispute and mentally preparing your defence. Suddenly he starts yelling the place down because he’s just come down from a meeting on the second floor and it’s been identified that you forgot to give an Officer Contact Details Card to the key-holder at the alarm call.


Only twenty seven years to go.

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Sun, 15 Jan 2023 16:57:27 +0000 News Aggregator